sterilize the world.

lets talk about something. lets sit down for a quiet lunch, enjoy our food. wow this sandwich is delicious. a refreshing soda to wash it down. ahhhh. why thank you. 

families surround us, enjoying their meals as well. whats that you say? its so serene in here, that i can overhear that girl talking about JV volleyball at the other table. oh what?! whats that screeching!!? why is that little boy standing on a chair shaking and turning red?!?

 oh i get it. you're a horrible parent.

so who's idea was it that you, the single mom and only authority figure; would take out your 5 kids, all one year apart, and your oldest kids' friends to lunch. alone. in public. ???

i'm stoked you figured out how to make babies. now stop. did you realize, hopefully by the fourth child, that they're below par intelligence? that they're ugly? that your youngest child is a total spazz, you're ignoring him, and you're feeding him soda and juice with his jelly and peanut butter sandwich? 

when he stands on a chair, that should be the first sign that you're not paying attention. 

when he's refilled his soda twice since he's sat down for lunch (doing so by standing on a step to reach the fountain dispenser), and he's still not finished with his sugary juice box, thats the second sign maybe you're not paying attention. 

when he screams at the top of his lungs "look at me!!!" so loudly that he shakes and turns red....maybe you're not paying attention. 

if i feel the urge to slap your child for you, you probably aren't paying attention. 

ignoring your hard to deal with kid, isn't parenting. 

i used to be a total brat. you know what my mom did? BEAT MY ASS. 

lets go through some rules, so that i never have to have my meal in public ruined by your lack of responsibility when using birth control. 

RULE #1.

slap that kid. 

it will shut him up. animals do it. they'll even go as far as eating their children. don't think you're above animals, they don't have defective offspring running about ignoring the pack's commands. 

RULE #2.

slap that kid again. 

if you have to follow these rules, you're probably worse off than i could ever poke fun at. so you better hit em again, just for good measure. 

RULE #3.

establish command. 

verbal punishment? rules? risk vs. reward? if they can teach horses to pee on command, im sure you can manage to train a CHILD to at least behave. 

RULE #4. 

stop feeding them sugar.

picture the tasmanian devil possessing your child's body. you sit them in front of tv, video games, put them in a car, and when they get to a public place, you give them an energy drink. i agree, it's probably really hard to get them to focus. 

RULE #5.

bribe them.

my mom used to buy me a matchbox car if i behaved the whole time we were out. did i want that car? hell yes. did i shut up? yep. problem solved. and it only cost her .50 cents. 

i'll be the first one to admit, i don't have kids. so where do i get off telling you how to raise your children? well, if i have to discipline your kids for you, then maybe you shouldn't have kids. maybe there should be a quiz, just like math. that way we know we didn't let a retard design a building, and idiots aren't breeding idiot armies. oh wait....that IS happening.